1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends?
Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer: Don?t u know, I sell tickets in black over here?
2. In the bus:
A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet?
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I?m on local anesthesia?..why don?t you try again.
3. At a funeral:
One of the teary-eyed people asks?
Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people.
Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question: Is the ?Butter Paneer Masala? good??
Answer: No, it?s terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question: Munna, Chickoo, you?ve become so big.
Answer: Well you haven?t particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask?
Stupid Question: Is the guy you?re marrying good?
Answer:-No, he?s a miserable wife-beating insensitive lout?it?s just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call?
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping?.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair?
Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer: No, its autumn and I?m shedding??
9. At the dentist when he?s sticking pointed objects in your mouth?
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer: No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks?
Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke.
Answer: Gosh, it?s a miracle ????it was a piece of chalk and now it?s in flames!!!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Human Resource or High Risk ???
After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told h is HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;
My friend, you have not worked here for even one day. The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.
Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366
Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours ?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)
Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)
Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir
Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.
Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days
Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday)?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!
Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!
Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realize that I was stealing Company money all these days.
Moral of the Story - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!
HR = HIGH RISK
------------------------------
So, wts ur span of control ??
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get >him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the ******* spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the ******* being the Boss. So the ******* went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the ******* should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don't need brain to be a boss - any ******* will do.
My friend, you have not worked here for even one day. The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.
Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366
Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours ?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)
Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)
Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir
Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.
Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days
Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday)?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!
Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!
Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realize that I was stealing Company money all these days.
Moral of the Story - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!
HR = HIGH RISK
------------------------------
So, wts ur span of control ??
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get >him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the ******* spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the ******* being the Boss. So the ******* went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the ******* should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don't need brain to be a boss - any ******* will do.
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